This excerpt is from Jasper City, about an outlaw seeking revenge against the Mayor who overthrew him and the Captain of the Guard sent to stop him.
In previous excerpts I’ve alluded to a relationship between Dex, Captain of the Guard (his title in earlier drafts was General. That has changed.) and Richard Madden’s daughter Cynthia. Cynthia’s escape from the Guard following the bombing of the Madden residence, and her future involvement with outlaw Edward Jasper/Citizen 71, further complicates relations between the two of them. But what happens when the two of them are reunited?
“You think too little of me,” he told her as he [handcuffed her.] “We broke up, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have cared whether you were hurt. I worried for days for your sake. I made it a priority to find you. Imagine my surprise when I discovered not only that you were with Citizen 71, but romantically involved with him.”
“You can’t know that.”
“What, you don’t think we have eyes around the city? I’ve seen pictures of you two.”
AWESOME JOB, Beth! The dialogue was natural and it EVOKES EMOTION. I could really get into Dex's character. Wished there were more than 8 sentences. (grin)
Best of luck with this one!
Adrienne deWolfe
http://WritingNovelsThatSell.com
I like this a lot but it does have me wondering. To my eyes, ” I worried for days for your sake” and “I made it a priority to find you” are so close in meaning. The dialog might flow a bit smoother if you dropped one of those.
Now I'm curious what's going to happen to Cynthia. Is Dex angry with her, enough to retaliate? Even if he's not, what he's going to do with her now?
He's a bit of a stalker…nice eight!
I'm with Millie, this guy has stalkerish tendencies! Such an interesting story…terrific snippet!
Intense dialogue! Great 8
~Summer
My Blog
Thank you for your kind (and excited!) words!
Thanks for the feedback. It's an early draft so of course edits still need to be made.
As for what happens to her, I'm not prepared to reveal that yet. 😀
She is right, he can't know that. He is jumping to conclusion a bit too easily.
Not an uncommon sight in a police state. And thank you!
You didn't see the pictures he has.
Thank you!